Introspection

at 11:57 AM

I've had this blog for a few years now, but lately I've hesitated posting anything to it. It's probably been months in fact. I started this blog as a vent to help me through my separation and now when I come back to it, I feel a bit like a dingy butterfly trying to fit back into it's cocoon.

So here's the new place Passionate Rambles where I ramble, same as always, about life, God, kids, writing, weight and health, or anything that catches my attention. :) Just put up the first post today, so feel free to come on by and say hello!

at 8:24 AM

I own my very own home!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

at 11:48 AM

In about three weeks (everything going as planned

) I will start on a lifelong dream.

I bought a home!

We're still waiting on final approval which we should hear about next week, then we should be able to move in by March 1st at the latest! Okay it's not anything large and grand, to be honest it's a small mobile home, but I've paid for it cash with my royalties from last year and I can't adequately express the feeling of accomplishment I have in that. I'm humbled and gratified and beside myself silly with happiness!

Back to the lifelong dream part, it isn't buying a home, it's taking what I've bought and truly making it a home. There was always a lot of chaos surrounding my ex, and we had very different tastes in furnishings and colors, and though we had several lovely homes, none of them ever became that place I ached to be, that was always Disneyland. So I guess the goal, is to turn this new place into Disneyland. lol

I already have a ton of ideas and I'm so incredibly excited about digging in and getting started and one of the coolest things is I have a pretty good sized yard and I'll be moving in right in time for spring planting!

WOOHOO

So that's the biggest news so far, and one of the two things that have been delaying my writing grrrr, but so worth it. As for my 300,000 words in sixty days, clearly not gonna happen this time, but the cool part about that is, it did get me writing again. I have a whole book just about done and I kept writing even when life got crazy. It may have only been a few words here and there, but I kept going and I'm really happy about that. :D

I have however FINALLY put up that free read on my site that I've been telling you all about!

Anything She Wants

Nick Chilton is having a personal crisis. His best friends are happily married and he's still waiting. Worse, he's waiting in the daunting shadow of the Chilton legacy. Moving to California for the summer was supposed to help, but he wasn't expecting to become completely obsessed with an elusive woman with secrets she won't share.

Keely has been half in love with Nick for ten years, though she knows he doesn't remember her. Despite the four years left on a commitment she can't escape, she still jumps at the chance to share three glorious carefree weeks with Nick.

Now Nick just has to convince her to turn three weeks into forever.

I'm nervous, because it's not professionally edited so please don't hold that against me! I love the story though and I hope you will too. Drop by and check it out.

Plus, while you're there, check out Legacy of Fea r my latest release coming to Cobblestone Press jan 30th!

In other news...Dale finally had his day in court, it didn't go great, but it didn't go terrible either, everyone in the court, including his ex's lawyer, was on Dale's side! It was almost amusing if it hadn't been such a hard thing to deal with in the first place, but the judgement went against Dale, because fact is he's still behind on his payments. That being said, we came away feeling supported and with great advice and direction. So all in all, I have to say it was a good day and we know what we have to do in the future to protect Dale and his kids.

Here's something interesting...I'm back in school!

I've signed up to take two classes this spring, Marketing 101 and Editing and Proofing. To be honest, I'm nervous, but excited too, which if you knew my school history you'd be amazed, trust me! I'm a fairly intelligent woman, but I crumble at tests and I put insane amounts of pressure on myself usually in school. I think this time though that I have a whole new outlook, well on life really from these five months on the road, but definitely on school, and I'm looking very forward to taking these classes and doing well in them.

Someday soon, I'm going to write a blog, or hell, a book lol, about my six months road. These have been the six most challenging, wonderful, exciting, hard, six months of my life, and I've never been happier than I am right now.

I've learned and changed so much and grown so much. I'm more solid, and confident and have incredible peace in my soul again. What started out as a terrifying supposed 3 weeks, has turned into this fabulous life adventure that I will never forget and I thank every single person who's supported me, sent me an encouraging email, or sent up a good thought or prayer on mine and Dale's behalf. That has meant everything to me.

That's it for this week, stop by my site and check out Nick and Keely's story and dont' forget about Legacy of Fear coming to Cobblestone jan 30th!

Till next time, remember to live life today ~ Samantha

__________________
www.samanthalucas.com 2007 CAPA nominated favorite author
Legacy of Fear coming January 30th to Cobblestone Press

at 7:54 AM

This road trip has been an incredible journey. I'm learning so much about myself, Dale, my kids, and God. One of the biggest things I've learned has been not to judge people, and I mean that in the , "I don't know what they're thinking" sort of way.

For most of my adult life, I've tried to be very compassionate and not judge people's choices. I'm not prejudiced like many people in my life have been, not about skin color or whom you chose to love. None of that has ever mattered to me, if you are a kind person simply trying to live your life, then rock on. ;)

However, all that being said, I've recently realized, that I'm still incredibly judgmental in an everyday sense. When, what I deem stupidity arises, or when I hear a story that makes my head hurt, or when my ex, or lately it's been Dale's ex, does something that just makes me want to slap them.

It occurred to me, that every single time, I think to myself, I would never do that, that's a judgment and I truly think all these judgments have been weighing down my soul.

I know I know, I'm getting all new agey, but it's true, I can feel it. So now that I'm aware of it, I'm trying to change it and already I'm noting huge changes in my spirit and the way I view myself which is changing my life!

The biggest thing I've noticed is that once and for all, it seems I've lost that concern for what other people might think! I don't know, maybe it's not permanent, but it's not there. And I don't mean, I've learned to get passed it, or to ignore it, it's simply not there.

I've had a very large potential good thing come up in the last week or so and it's one of those things I would have passed right by because people might say this or that, and I honestly can't find myself caring, I've tried! I want this, I believe in this and quite frankly it's my damn life! :D

It's such a strange phenomena for me to be without that feeling. It's been constant for as long as I can ever remember. I don't like upsetting people, I don't like disappointing people, I don't like it when people disapprove, and I've lived a great portion of my life either fighting those feelings or managing my life in a way to only make others happy and comfortable, so seriously, this is HUGE! :D

The other part of this connects to dreams. I think it's finally dawned on me that not everyone in this country has the same dream. You know, the white picket fence dream and all that goes with it. In fact, I'm coming to believe that even those who've done the whole picket fence thing, may not even want it! (Oh you know I'll be working that into a book soon! lol) More importantly though, I also finally get, that not everyone in this country, but me, has achieved their dreams.

I can not tell you why I've felt this way, that I was the only one left out, the only person not at the party. It's ridiculous really, but I did! I realize now, maybe because I've seen so much of the country now and so many of the people, that people are all just pretty much trying to get by, feed their kids and keep their lights on.

Maybe I bought into the media too much, I grew up in Hollywood and Disneyland after all. lol

All this makes me feel more relaxed I think. That feeling of never being good enough, or even acceptable has left me. I've finally figured out that I'm really not doing any better or worse than most people. That I'm just trying to manage my life, raise my kids and lose weight! lol

Maybe the one thing that makes me the most different from everyone else I know, is my need to continually grow, both spiritually and intellectually, but I like that about me. :) So if that makes me a freak in their eyes, so be it, coz that I'm not changing, it's too deep a part of me.

Anyway, my road trip wraps up in a few weeks and though I will miss a lot of things about being out here, I'm so ready to get going on this next little part of my life. Especially since it will be making one of my personal life long dreams finally come true!

I can't wait! And don't worry, you'll be hearing all about it so stay tuned. LOL

at 10:15 AM

I've been relatively quiet over here lately, everywhere really, except maybe a few writing forums. I've been doing less whining...ahem...talking :D and more thinking.

This past year has been a crazy, completely unexpected ride into territories I never imagined. As much as I'd like to have wiped 2008 from my conscious, the last part has been a real time of growth for me in my personal and spiritual life and that effects every part of me, including my writing.

I have obsessed a lot about my writing, about what sells vs what I really want to write and who are the best publishers to write for and the thing that keeps coming back to me is integrity. I feel it doesn't matter so much what I write, but how I write it. Integrity to the story and characters and my readers is key. I have changed some of my stories to make a publisher happy and I always regret it. I've also written some stories simply because a publisher had a call for a specific thing and I wanted to try it.

I think so far in my published life, I've done a lot of exploration. Meaning, I've tried to write a lot of different things, to see where I really fit, what I did the best and what I loved the most. And of course, like Dorothy in Oz, I found I'd known the answer all along. I love and do best at emotional, character driven stories about broken individuals who find healing in the power of love.

Too bad that doesn't sell like a fast paced menage story. lol

That aside, the end of last year, in my quest for integrity in my life, I finally decided to only write the stories I truly love and to write the stories the way I want to tell them. If that means I get lower sales and no awards, then so be it. Writing is a very personal expression, and yes it's fabulous to make money at it and get fabulous reviews, but it's so much more than that. Getting a letter from a reader who says I moved them to tears, is the best part of what I do and truthfully the real reason I wanted to share my stories in the first place. I have this need deep inside me to make people feel.

I think we go through life on auto pilot so much of the time, and to be able to stop you, so you truly feel the emotions written on a page, that to me is the ultimate achievement I could aim for.

So the second part of this story is something I'd never considered much, the who I write for part. I had picked my top publishers by sales and was simply going to go with them. That makes smart business sense...right?

Okay, except for what about my quest for integrity? And what about being authentic and honest with who I am?

I've been blessed to work with some amazing women in the publishing industry. In fifteen books, there was only one editor that I ever had a hard time with, but on the other side of that, I started to think of who I most enjoyed working with. Who truly values my voice and my unique way of telling a story and doesn't want to change it?

Now I'm not bashing my other publishers, as I said, everyone I've worked with has been wonderful and I admire and respect all my publishers, but you know when you click with someone, when someone gets you, it makes the working experience more than just words on paper. There are three people who make that list. Three woman who have supported me, encouraged me, and truly believe in me and my writing. Of course two of these women are at sites where I've made little to no sales and I had sort of pushed those sites to the back burner in my big new 2009 writing plan. Then I was struck with the huge revelation that all I'm doing then is chasing dollars. Yet I truly believe, that when you are on the right path, and doing exactly what you are supposed to be doing, everything else falls into place, monetary included.

Maybe that doesn't mean I make six figures at writing, but that in some way, our basic needs will be met. My writing is not about making money, and I have been looking at it all wrong. These publishers I have crossed paths with, truly appreciate my gift for writing and more, I truly enjoy working with them. I think building relationships with these three women, is living with integrity. So in essence, I realized that though I had the what I write in line with my personal life philosophies, I didn't have the who and that's the change I need to make now.

So what I'm coming around to is this, I've found true peace in my writing for the first time ever and as one more piece of my life shifts into it's rightful position, 2009 looks even brighter.

at 1:10 PM

I hope the new year has been good to you so far! I'm wishing everyone peace and prosperity in 2009 and I'm praying we all get a break from the mundane and get to witness something truly special this year. :)

2009 for me is the year to get things back on track. Last year became this weird transitional year I think, from old life and twenty year marriage to new life and truly connecting with Dale and planning a future together. It was a time where I really, really had to accept my marriage only lasted 20 years, it was over, I was no longer connected to Dave in the same way anymore and that was how it would be from now on.

It may seem like a no brainer, but denial is a thing in my family. lol I never wanted to be divorced, I never set out to be divorced, it was this weird chain of events that led to it and all along the way I really thought Dave and I would work it out.

Then I met Dale and though I loved him dearly, I had all this guilt about leaving my marriage. It was awful!

Still, the journey of 2008, though bumpy and complicated, was a necessary thing for me. I lost everything of my old life, and I mean EVERYTHING, and when I finally accepted that my old life was dead, then I began to realize I needed to build something new, something special, something that was mine...and that was exciting!

I think living in the van with Dale has bonded him to me in a way I never was with my ex. I trust Dale more, I love him deeper, and I'm honestly excited about our future.

The hardest part of 2008 for me (and there were many hard parts to chose from

) was loosing my cat.

Yes being away from my kids has been excruciating, but I think good for all of us in a lot of ways, but losing Cara is permanent.

She got out one day and never came back. I feel horrible because I'm sure she thought I'd abandoned her.

I still cry sometimes over her, I did just yesterday as a matter of fact. ...crap, I am now.

I'll just leave it with I loved her so very much and I miss her greatly.

Looking ahead in 2009, I'm honestly excited for the first time in a long long time. I think rebuilding...no scratch that, building a life, is a lot of hard work and not always an easy journey, but I'm optimistic because this time, I'm building my own life. I'm not making the life others want or expect, I'm doing what I want, what I believe best and that's very exciting!

The first thing I've decided to tackle for 2009, is to take my writing waaaay more seriously and attempt a more polished professional side....HEE HEE. Oh wait no, seriously. lol

I love being a writer, I want to do it for as long as my mind creates stories, so I intend to do it on purpose from now on instead of by happenstance which has been mostly what has happened.

I'm opening a thread here, in the Coffee Time forums, to chart my progress this year and to give sneak peaks about characters and places I'll be writing about. My first goal of the year is 300,000 words in 60 days!

I have a six book series I want to write before I go back home and this is my last chance. So I'm buckling down, 5k a day, which under normal circumstances, really isn't that much of a stretch. So I know I can do this, it's just a matter of discipline at this point and so far so good. In three days I'm just over 15k, so wish me luck!

I'll share more of my 2008/2009 journey in a later post so keep tuned. :) I hope you're 2009 journey is a blessed one hugs for now ~ Samantha

at 4:53 PM

I'm having one of those days where it feels as if no one would give a damn or really even notice if I fell off the planet.

I HATE DAYS LIKE THESE!!!!!

Luckily they come few and far between these days, but Dale and I had a fight and I guess we're not speaking so I'm totally depressed. I don't think I would be so bad off if I had a space to go to, or any kind of escape really, but I'm sitting in the front seat of the van and he's asleep in the bunk and there you go.

I've cried on and off all afternoon and am desperately fighting my instinct to bolt! We're at Wal-Mart, all I keep thinking is go fill out an app, then go stay with Dave till the money starts coming in , then wha la! Crazy cat lady!

I know, I'm obsessed. :P

I just hope we make up soon, in my marriage (which is really the only other relationship I've ever had) we never did the making up thing. so as dumb as it sounds, here I am at 42 and not real sure how you make up. I'm worried anything I do or say will make it worse, but then if I'm seriously considering bolting, how much worse can it get? sigh

Oh well, needed to vent and everyone else I know has been depressed lately so I didn't want to make them worse, so this goes out into cyberspace, thanks for listening, it helps. :)

at 8:20 AM

I have to back up just a bit in the story. A few weeks ago, I talked to Dale about going home, well he more or less agreed but didn't entirely, but we started talking like we were going home. He was saying things like, well since we won't be in the van much longer we don't need to do (insert whatever we'd planned before here) so we had three good checks coming, one we wanted to pay off a couple last things then the last two we'd move in.

So anyway, I'd gotten really relaxed and have even been writing and things were going well. I was really enjoying myself and dreaming about Christmas at home with my boys and I was happy. :)

Then came Friday...

We made about a hundred less then we were hoping for, but thing is, we're at this point where we owe everyone so much, that even what we got and we're still sitting here thinking ok, who needs what the most, feeling strapped coz you can't pay down everyone. :P

Thing is though, before we moved into the van, Dale talked me into making some bad financial choices on the promise that we'd pay it up in a week kind of thing. Now I don't blame him for my choices, coz he said what he did on good faith, but the problem is, I have no back bone when it comes to the man in my life. Doesn't matter what it is, I have this submissive wife mentality and so I said yes and now my bank account is $400 overdrawn and my CC haven't been paid in three months and before I was with Dale, my finances were going really well for the first time in my life! So this is what's causing most of my stress out here, because every pay day comes and goes and nothing gets paid on my debts and the bulk of my royalties come quarterly so I paid a bunch last month, and now won't really have anything to pay again until end of Jan. ACK!

So bottom line is, every week we pay nothing to my debts, I panic and decide I'm going home waiting tables and being responsible for myself. Well this last time, coz I know we are going home next week, really caused me a great deal of stress and panic. I think the problem we are having is more that we are out of sync with each other when it comes to money. We both have some raw wounds from our last partners where money is concerned and we're pussyfooting around the subject trying not to rub up against each other. Not good. To make things worse, my emotional baggage causes my panic button to get stuck, especially when it comes to money.

So (I suppose it's too late to make a long story short) I decided last Friday to go home, that was it, end of story...and my blood pressure's been through the roof since. I've had a near crippling headache, dizzy spells, blurred vision...it's been bad. But I'm incredibly independent and rebellious and I get an idea in my head and I don't want to let it go, but at the same time, I don't want to be dead! sheesh!!!

I think a lot of the time, I hear these critical voices of disapproval in my head. I'm not sure exactly where they are coming from, but they're saying things like go home, take care of your children, grow up, be responsible, get a job and live like you "should" but thing is, when I'm really calm, I don't want to go back and wait tables. I want the same things I've always wanted...

I want to support myself with my writing
I want to be healthy and feel sexy again
I want a close relationship with God
I want to be with my kids and finish their education
I want to write something powerful and meaningful
I want a home (a real home. I swear, as we drive along, I see these houses that just speak to me and make my heart ache to have that)
I want a garden
I want to own a no kill shelter (I really do, that's one of those things I've always pushed aside because of those danged voices, but I do!)
I want a wedding at Disney World
I want traditions and dinner parties and good friends
I want to travel (although, in a strange way I'm getting that now :) lol)

Thing is, I think the way to get all those things, is to stay put and to write. I always think that, but then I feel this pull to go back and I get stuck between the two things and become completely ineffective and do nothing! I think it's my gut telling me to stay put, and I've always discounted my gut and gone along with what everyone else thinks. That's bad, but I'm not sure I know how to go along with what I think. I mean I do, otherwise I'd still be with Dave, I never would have worked at Disney, blah blah blah, but I never have peace about it, I always feel that sense of disapproval, how do I get rid of that?

Anyway, I still don't know what I'm going to do come Monday, I know Dale wants me to stay, he's even offering me a puppy! but I can't stay just because he wants me to. I'm worried about that. I'm not sure which is the easier thing, probably staying, cause a vessel in motion stays in motion and all that (just meaning it's easier to just keep doing what you're doing than to change) but I want to do the right thing, the best thing, and I just don't know what that is.

One thing I definitely decided was to change my eating patterns. We've tried using a cooler, that hasn't worked, we've tried eating out that doesn't work, so last night I bought just enough food for today. I had a banana, a piece of celery (it lowers BP who knew? lol) a couple pieces of leftover steak and a BIG glass of milk. For lunch I already have a subway sandwich, now I just have to get my butt out of the van and move it a few times a day. It's waaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too easy to just sit here. :P And stay or go, I need to change my health. It's hard out here because you really can't plan anything. You never know where you are going to be from one moment to the next and you never know how long you will be someplace. That's tricky to live around...not bad necessarily, just tricky.

So anyway, that's where I sit as of today. Huge life decision ahead, do I have the guts to make the right choice and stick with it? Do I even know what the right choice is? Sigh...who knows!

at 1:31 PM

I haven't blogged much lately because so much has been going on, it's taken me a while to assimilate it. It's very possibly my journey out here may end in the next few weeks though and I wanted to take a moment to make a physical imprint of where I'm at now.

Overall, there aren't words to truly express all my feelings about this time in my life. I was terrified when I came out, I've experienced some truly black moment, but for the most part, I've enjoyed the journey immensely.

I've seen things I would probably have never in my life seen...The St.Louis Arch, The Toledo Glass Skyway, The vinyards of upstate New York, Skaneateles, even NYC. I feel beyond blessed by the people I've met, a few I've even been keeping in touch with. I've heard stories that have humbled me, been with my country while we elected our next president, I've fed stray cats and I've collected small memories from every state we've been through.

It's truly been a journey of a lifetime, but all that aside, the real blessing here, for me, has been what this has done to my relationship with Dale.

I am a strange woman, I'll be the first to tell you this. Many people don't like me, don't like my views on things or just blatantly think I'm weird. I've been hurt incredibly deep, by family and people I've allowed close and those wounds have left walls. Walls that make it very difficult now to build any relationship. If not for this road trip, so to speak, I'm honestly not sure things would have worked for Dale and I long term. I think from the begining I was waiting for him to dump me. If that's what you believe you only give so much of yourself, but now, wow, now I can see Dale and I in those rockers on the front porch at ninety.

I'm not sure I've ever been closer to another person and that includes, sadly, my ex. I'm a broken spirit in places and as I said I have walls, but being out here has forced me to trust Dale in ways I just never would have otherwise. I couldn't be little miss independent all the time and that was exactly what I needed. I've learned first hand how much I can trust Dale. he's never once disappointed me or left me to struggle on my own. We've had a couple of fights, one was...it was bad, but they last like a heartbeat and we make up...another bizaare concept for me. I've never known anyone who wanted to make up, who was willing to say I'm sorry, who wanted to make sure we were solid again after. It's the most incredible thing.

The of course there's the obvious, spending two plus months with someone in a van, you learn an awful lot about that person. LOL I mean everything from how and where he grew up. He was the Sheriff's son which I've come to learn is the equivalent to the preacher's daughter. lamo He was WILD! I've learned about his first jobs, his first loves and the strangest place he's had sex. I've learned about his sense of humor and what kind of foods he likes, and omg we like the same food! We go to a resturaunt and he orders better them me! Trust me, that's shocking lol I am so not used to that. I've learned we meld into each other pefectly. I love him, he's passionate like no man I've ever met. He makes me laugh constantly. He's trustworthy and solid like a rock. I don't know what more I could ask for, and yet, there was this one moment about two weeks ago that crystalized everything for me.

We were in a truck stop in Kentucky, and as I've written before, there are always little stray cats around in truck stops. I'm alwasy feeding them of course. :) But anyway, that aside, this one night, we'd been there a couple of nights actually, and these two kitties in particular were getting used to us, However, they surprised us both, when they climbed up into the van.

Now they wouldn't let us touch them, but they settled right down. As amazing as that was in and of itself, it was Dale that really took me by surprise. He went about setting up a spot for them to be more comfortable and feel safe. Then when one, or both, would get spooked and take off, it was Dale hanging out the van doing the baby voice "here kitty"

I just thought to myself in that moment...OMG I truly have found the one. :D

It may be silly, but it's that moment a million more like it that have just cemented the man in my heart. :)

Anyway , there are big changes on the horizon and I'd appreciate, as always, anyone who holds good thoughts or says a prayer in our behalf. We've met angels out here, I'm telling you. This has been a oncce in a lifetime experience I won't ever forget. Thank you all for sharing it with me this far. ~Samantha

at 7:31 AM

I didn't do a Sunday ramble this week, coz I'm feeling sort of out of it to be honest. I've been stuck in this same place for such a long time now, I feel like I keep going round and round it and keep missing the exit.

Which any psychiatrist will tell you means I have something invested in missing the exit.

But anyway, invested or not, I'm stuck.

Life seems to be running over me, rather then me running life.

Does everyone feel that way, or is it seriously just me?

Thing is, I haven't always been like this, so how on earth did I get here. Didn't I appreciate what I had enough, did I want too much, was I not generous enough? I mean I'm 42 years old and I'm homeless...AGAIN!

This is the fourth time in my life I've been homeless, is it just my destiny to end up that crazy woman shuffling along the street in her bathrobe feeding alley cats until one night I freeze to death? Because if it is I want out now.

I'm one of those people who believes in a higher power, believes in things meaning more then just face value, so of course I end up over thinking everything, but It's a very sad thing to know that if you died right this second, no one would really care all that much. The most I'd get is a awwwww, too bad, she was still so young. It'd hurt my kids, but I saw them last night, they're totally adjusting to life with their dad, which is good thing, but I just feel so worthless. My family would be all, too bad she never saw the error of her ways and repented. GAG :P

Ooooh maybe that's my problem, I HATE my mother. Still, it's not like it's undeserved, you wouldn't believe the things that woman has done to me and to my kids and yet there she is in a warm home WITH MY KIDS! and here I am cold in a van and alone (except Dale I know I know, but still)

Thing is, I really do feel worthless. I don't add anything to anyone's existence right now. Maybe Dale and Mark, a teeny bit, but not enough that it'd change anyone's life if I disappeared.

Good grief, I sound like George Bailey.

This is why I've cut back on blogging, all I do is whine, but I'm SO lost, I can't find any other way out, so I guess I just keep talking about it, hoping this time I'll see that missing piece.

...not so far. :P

I'm just so tired and frustrated and I feel so stuck, I can't figure anything out and I'm truly afraid of how much further my life can slip down this slope. I feel at rock bottom, but every time you say that, it only gets worse.

I just want a home, a garden a cat and my kids, ok fine and the ocasionaly trip to Diseny World, but on the whole, is that really so terrible? Have I really asked all that much?

Life doesn't last forever, I would truly love to find soem peace and happiness again before mine ends. :P